Things I Say at Work That Would Get Me Arrested in Any Other Job

There are moments in this job where I genuinely have to stop and think about how absolutely unhinged we sound to the outside world.

Because if anyone overheard half the conversations happening inside the clinic without context, I’m fairly sure I’d be featured on a local Facebook warning post by teatime.

Imagine walking past a treatment room and hearing:

“Don’t worry, the burning smell is normal.”

Or:

“Yes, your face is going to peel.”

Or my personal favourite:

“I’m just going to create controlled trauma to your skin.”

I think one of the funniest parts of this job is how normal these conversations become. One minute you’re discussing inflammation pathways and melanocyte activity like a serious professional… and the next you’re leaning over someone with a laser saying:

“This might smell like burnt hair.”

Which, for the record, it absolutely does.

Then of course there’s the treatment conversation we all pretend isn’t happening.

Client: “Will this hurt?”

Me internally: “Well yes obviously, because I’m either sticking a needle in you, burning your skin, or firing heat into your face.”

But professionally I say: “You’ll just feel a little discomfort.”

A little discomfort.

Honestly, the skin and beauty industry deserves an award for creative wording.

Because “slight warmth” can mean: “Your soul may briefly leave the body.”

And “tiny scratch feeling” usually means: “Please don’t swear at me.”

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not out here torturing people for fun.

Do I enjoy hurting you?

Only if I’ve had a bad day.

Joking.

I’m actually the person apologising through the entire treatment.

“Sorry.” “Nearly done.” “Yes, I know.” “You’re being very brave.”

But also… no gain without pain.

Collagen unfortunately likes chaos. Good skin requires commitment. And sometimes that commitment comes with a little discomfort or a bit of controlled heat damage.

Now pain tolerance is a funny thing in clinic…

Most women honestly don’t bat an eyelid when it comes to treatment discomfort. They just lie there chatting about holidays while I’m working away with what can only be described as military precision on pigmentation and skin concerns.

Women will sit through waxing, lasers, peels, hormones, life… all of it, and barely flinch even when you introduce one tiny zap of heat or a needle, and they’re still just like: “That’s absolutely fine love.”

Meanwhile some people (men) are just a little more expressive than others… and that’s all I’m going to say on that.

Despite all of that chaos, I genuinely love what I do.

Because underneath the peels, lasers, SPF lectures, and the ongoing national crisis of people refusing to drink water… there’s something really lovely about helping people feel comfortable in their skin.

Even if the process occasionally sounds like a hostage negotiation.

So if you’ve ever been in the clinic hearing things like:

“Your skin barrier is screaming.”“Stop picking it.”“No, toothpaste is not skincare.”“Please wear SPF.”“PLEASE wear SPF.”

Just know… this is a safe space. A slightly alarming safe space… but a safe space nonetheless.

Now let’s talk about one of my favourite (and most unprofessional) internal battles.

When I take off a big lump, cyst, or blackhead, I genuinely have to stop myself saying: “look at the size of the f…ker!”

And honestly, the more lumps, bumps, skin tags, blackheads or cysts I can clear, the happier I am. If I didn’t have a business, a clinic, and bills to pay, I would genuinely consider paying clients to let me do it.

There’s something very satisfying about those moments where something dramatic comes out and you have to act completely calm while internally celebrating like you’ve just won the lottery.

And finally… let’s talk about the bowl of sweets at reception.

Why do you think it’s there?

It’s not décor. It’s not aesthetic. It’s compensation.

Because you have all been very brave boys and girls.

I should probably do brave stickers really… especially considering I’m always banging on about sugar being bad for your skin because of hormones, and hormones being bad for your skin, and skin being dramatic about everything.

And yet somehow I’m still stood there handing out sweets like it’s part of a post-treatment prescription.

So yes… technically my reception bowl is a direct contradiction of everything I preach.

But we’re calling it emotional support, balance, and “clinic morale” and pretending I didn’t just say any of that.